Episode 25 - It's Not MY Problem!

0:08 Welcome, you are listening to the podcast, a resonant life produced. By the time is now Productions. I am Mike Thompson, your host, and reflector and chief. In this podcast, we will discuss experiences and insights, from living a life devoted to uncovering the authentic self. And finding fulfilling purpose from the past, the present and the future. This podcast is a product of my life and experience and I'll share my opinions. Opinions between people are various and we don't all need to hold the same ones, but it is fun to hear the opinions of others as it gives us an opportunity to freshen up our own. If you enjoy and gain Insight from listening, Please Subscribe.

0:59 And share. If you have questions, please email them. And as always, nothing you hear here is a prescription or a prescription. It is a discussion of life and life's internal and external experiences. So, let's get to it. Hi and welcome. Thank you for listening today or watching if you're on YouTube and a special welcome to those of you joining for the first time. And for those of you who've been working with me on this project for a while, this is episode 25. So we've got a few under our belt here. Welcome back.

1:46 And wow, do I owe you all an apology and an explanation? It has been at least a month since the last episode and it seems forever. My goal has been to have been doing one episode a week and I've not met that goal recently and I hope you'll bear with me though. The reason is, I started teaching a new course at a university here at the end of May and whoo, it has consumed all of my time and energy, being a new course.

2:27 I've had to develop all the curriculum readings lectures presentations. Everything from scratch. And basically I got out of balance that just took everything. It took everything and certainly I needed to be out of balance to meet that need but now I'm going to try to right the ship and get back on a weekly episode schedule. But that said that's it it might take me two weeks to get to episode 26. So bear with me if and wait and I appreciate your patience, thank you for your support. Art your understanding and I certainly appreciate it. So okay, here we are. We're back together. So let's dive into our project here at a resident life and that is uncovering or authentic self and making the changes to our lives.

3:17 That will result in more abiding, happiness and joy in our lives and the lives of those around us and by doing so becoming active It's in creators of Peace in this world, we share. So today, today, we'll talk about that feeling that attitude, that mindset of not my problem. Or there's nothing I can do about it. I want to dig into this and see how we can explore, how that attitude, that mindset isn't really a mile post on our path. 'The to the authentic self.

4:02 Yeah, yeah. It can be a queue for us to later direct and adjust our minds and hearts. Let me start with the recent experience of my own not too long ago. I was helping out with a large event for a cultural institution, and it was a very exciting fun and fulfilling project and during the events. When we're all kind of enjoying, there was a musical performance and I'd been out of the room when it started. But as I entered, I was, I was brought up short by another of the people working on the event. And this person came at me kind of hard and fast and challenged me in a bit of a panic and seemingly with a lot of irritation and they wanted to know why the slideshow playing during the music.

4:58 What's the wrong slides, was the wrong show. It wasn't what was supposed to be up on the screens and I was a bit taken aback. And honestly, I got defensive and my response was kind of I have nothing to do with that. And the person pressed me again and I responded. Again, really? I'm sorry, I have nothing to do with that. And you know what? I kind of said it in that exact same voice Voice. So we moved on me a bit rattled and the other person ostensibly on a mission to fix the presentation slides.

5:39 So this exchange stayed with me, it stayed with me through the rest of the event through dinner, through all the speeches, just kind of kept bothering me and I didn't just fade away into the background of experience over time. In days, it stuck with me, it was like getting getting honey on your fingers sticky. And the stickiness just moves from one service to another as soon as you get one thing cleaned off, you find something else is sticky. And this is how this experience was as memory and I kept replaying it over and over in my mind. Did I do something wrong? Why did this person? Think I was responsible? What had just happened. Why did I get defensive? So, I've learned that when exchanges I've been involved in linger, in my mind, that the experiences are, the memories are sticky that they are hanging around inviting me to examine them.

6:38 Actually to examine me, my mind, my intention. My feelings, my actions. In that time, in that memory, they linger. Inviting me to challenge my ego defenses, and sense of rightness. Could I have been better? Could I have been more kind more helpful? Could I have been more out of my comfort zone? How about, how about could I have been less defensive? Defensiveness is definitely one of my personal things. I have to keep working on. So we've talked a lot about spiritual cues using our emotions and reactions to take a timeout.

7:21 And, and look at how our egos reduce us and limit us, reduce us and keep us from reaching out and extending ourselves to be available to be of help to others. To do the opposite of what our egos push us to do, right? Remember the ego that stuff in the background that drives us the ego, on an instinctual level wants routine? Predictability and the ego wants essentially Supremacy. So, this lingering memory of the exchange.

8:03 This, this was a spiritual q and with your patience and Indulgence. I'd like to dig into it here and share that process with you. So, there is a word in Japanese. I hear a lot. Shogun. I It is one of those words that is more of a concept or a Vibe than just a word with an easy translation. And one common meaning is, it can't be helped or like, the French should put its a la vie. A more nuanced definition is, I understand this situation might not be ideal but I can't do anything about it. So I'm going to move on And do what I can. On a deeper level.

8:57 It is also like the Serenity Prayer, really that being grant me the serenity to accept the things. I cannot change the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And yet another aspect of Shogun, I is, don't sweat the small stuff or there are bigger fish to fry. There are more important things in life, so move along, Finally. And there may be some who will disagree with my interpretation here.

9:38 Maybe native speakers of Japanese. But anyway, here it is. This is kind of my interpretation how I've seen it operate sometimes and in some situations Shogun I can be not my problem. And maybe maybe maybe that is why this interaction? I had is sticking with me insisting, I go over it and dig into it. When I said repeatedly in that moment, I have nothing to do with that. I was I was basically saying not my problem, not my problem, don't blame me. And then add to that.

10:24 Just a big shrug of my shoulders and you can probably capture the whole vibe of that Exchange in moments. Okay, essentially saying not my problem. This is not on the path of becoming a person others rely upon. Not part of the practice of uncovering the authentic self and definitely not altruistic and other focused not walking in the other person's shoes.

11:08 And it is so, so very easy to just shrug one's shoulders intense situations to disavow involvement and move on. It's So easy, it's like an icy Hill. Just take one step and show your all the way down. slippery slope as they say, In this situation also showed me just how quick I am to defend myself to protect my ego. I said, say it didn't just show me it reminded me because as I said, I've been working on my defensiveness for a long time.

11:50 So you might be wondering what then was the alternative What was the other way to handle the situation? How could I have done it better? How could I've handled it in a way that was on the path of uncovering the authentic self on the path of altruism? On the path of being a person, others can rely upon. so, before I get to that, I want to share a bit more of what was going on, in my mind, in the moment and this is this is all based on reflection and having thought about this and reviewed it over and over and over.

12:33 So, in my recollection, in my meditation, in my thinking, about this dwelling on it, This is what I think was going on in my mind. So one, my first reaction was whoa, that person is coming in a little hot and accusatory and I'm being blamed here. So this immediately put me on the defensive, it put me into a defend, the ego. Psychological posture, right? Raise the gate, man? The walls defend. So too then I was thinking, why are they blaming me for this? I really had nothing to do with it. I had no involvement.

13:21 Why am I to blame here? So this psychological posture is disavowing responsibility, so, the first reaction is defensive defend. The second reaction. Why are they blaming me? This is a dismissive. So three, next I remember thinking this isn't even a big deal at all. Nobody Knows. The slides are wrong there watching the performance. Right. So okay. 11 was defense to to is disavowal 33 was attack, even it was just in my head was still attack. So this is what the ego does.

14:09 Defend Dodge counter-attack? And in none of these moments was I reaching out a metaphorical hand to help in none of these moments was I extending Compassion, Care concern and none of these psychological and intellectual reactions was I leaning in to help do something anything. Even if just an Offer to help. These reactions.

14:49 They're so common, aren't they? If you think about you in your daily life, in difficult situations, do the above three phrases sound familiar to you. There may be so familiar. We never really step back and think about them. We just sort of moved to the psychological position of being in the right and move on defend, Dodge counter-attack and then move on, right? Defend Dodge counter-attack, but here's the thing. I am thinking about it. I'm objectively looking at the situation at what I did, what I was thinking and what I was feeling What I was feeling?

15:42 The stickiness of the memory was a queue and taking the cue. I'm digging in this, this is our project doing this digging in, taking the cue and digging in. So I could look at this experience as a failure to do the right thing. Failure to think the right thing and a failure to say the right thing, I wasn't walking the walk despite talking the talk, right? But but it's not about the failure. Okay. I just used the word failure. 34 times, it's not about failure, it's about the process.

16:30 It's not about the outcome. It's about actions that lead to the outcome. So let me repeat this. It is not about The failure, it is about the process. It is not about the outcome, it is about actions and motivations, not about the failure, it's about the process, not about the outcome, it's about the actions and the motivation if there were need context or opportunity from this, right? If I if there were I can certainly apologize to this person for not being helpful.

17:18 And that would be a good right thing to do. But leaving it at that just say I'm sorry. I wasn't, I wasn't so great in that moment. I'm sorry. And then walking away, moving on, right? But but leaving it at that just making an apology. Is leaving the whole situation in the failure column, right? Because it's like I failed I need to apologize. That's and that's a good thing. But still, there's more I can do on the personal development, on the uncovering, the authentic self on our path of becoming a person, others can rely upon so apology. Great, but we can't leave it in the failure column Unexamined failures will be repeated. So I'll just do the same thing over and another tense situation where somebody's looking to blame you for something, right? I'm just going to move a book and defend attack move on. I don't want to do that.

18:13 I want to evolve, I want to progress. I want to be a better person, right? So unprocessed outcomes are doomed to repeat and I want to move forward. I want to advance on a spiritual path that results in me being more abiding lie, happy and critical and a true help to others in every situation, every single situation without exception or condition.

18:56 That is our project here at a Resident Life. So I'm going to take this failure and make of it, a grindstone to polish away. The grime of my ego, that covers my authentic self. So, back to Shogun, I Back to not my problem. Now that I've got distance on this time and distance and now that I've acknowledged that there's work to do here, I can easily imagine what a better response and handling of the situation would be. And uncovering that and committing to it, a better outcome, a better situation, a better process, I've planted the seeds to it, in my mind and heart and with practice and consistent intention. I can do better next time, practice and consistent intention of like watering these seeds, right? And they can up Sprouts, I can do better next time and even better the time after that.

20:06 And if one of the situations I'm in is a real doozy a real ego Bruiser or I'll be able to still do better, even if I don't do great. Right? It's about progress incremental progress. Taking stock reviewing considering seeing how we can do better committing to do better and then trying to do better in the next situation, right? Continue examining and doing better and better and better. This is the practice. So to do better Shogun, I and not my problem could have been. Do you want me to check with the production?

20:47 One team or which slides should be up, I can try to get them to change them instead of dodging and counter-attacking. I can help. I can lean in to do something to assist. So notice something here, I said instead of dodging and counter-attacking and I did not say instead of Defending and this is intentional. The ego is a worthy foe. And if I try to tame it in these kinds of situations, I'll maybe I'll maybe never make it to the next step. Basically, I'm saying let the defensiveness happen. This will que me to what I need to do and in that diversion diverting from Dodge to leaning in, I will have tamed the ego a bit.

21:45 Instead of trying to tame it on the front, end your taming, it through action, on the back end, the ego can't be taken on directly. If it could we'd already have done it right. Think of Muhammad Ali and his rope-a-dope boxing strategy. We play rope-a-dope with the eagle, let it do its thing, but then use that as a cue rather than be its victim and do what it wants you to do, rather than being a victim instead, be an actor. An agent and do the good things, the positive things act positively. So we are intentional actors. When it kicks in rather than passengers on the train of wounded Pride, I hope you'll try this next time.

22:30 A negative interaction sticks with you. You'll find that you start to release attachment to who is right and who is wrong. And notice, I didn't really say who is right and wrong in the my reactions, I was not my problem. So I'm saying, I'm not wrong, right? Not necessarily saying I'm right. I'm just saying I'm not wrong but without getting attached to all of You'll be able to feel more compassion for the person with whom you've had the negative interaction instead of resentment. Compassion will flow in because you're leaning in to help because you're leaning in to help. You're acknowledging that there's a person there who needs something, and if you see someone who needs something, compassion naturally naturally blossoms compassion is something warm and gentle and a component of joy. Resentment is an element of anger and I don't want that poison in my life.

23:32 I want my heart and mind to be filled with all the components of joy, and all of my words and actions to be causes of joy. In others at such a big goal, such a big goal, but it's so possible. If we do this work and we are here to support each other, So I'm ready for the next time I'm in a Shogun I situation and that my problem moment, I'm ready to lean in and instead of retreating and dodging, I'm going to extend a hand and my heart. So thank you for joining me today.

24:12 I sincerely appreciate everyone listening and making efforts to become altruistic actors in your worlds to making your lives more joyful and happy. And by extension the lives of all those around, you more joyful and happy your happiness touches everyone. Just like the light of a candle lights, up, the room and lights up. Everybody in it everywhere. But for it to a by for us to continue to make progress and Shore up that progress like I reminded Us in the last episode, you need to practice to use those cues and act on them. I look forward to our next episode as we continue to uncover and discover our authentic selves. Thank you.

25:06 Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this podcast and want to hear more, please subscribe, and share. If you'd like to share your own experience. Thoughts or ask a question. Please send an email to Mike at resonant dot social. With gratitude, theme music is courtesy of stock audios. Distributed by pixabay a resident. Life, is a podcast from the time is now Productions.