Episode 11 - Antidote to Toxicity

0:08 Welcome, you are listening to the podcast, a resonant life produced. By the time is now Productions. I am Mike Thompson, your host, and reflector and chief. In this podcast, we will discuss experiences and insights, from living a life devoted to uncovering the authentic self. And finding fulfilling purpose from the past, the present and the future. This podcast is a product of my life and experience and I'll share my opinions. Opinions between people are various and we don't all need to hold the same ones, but it is fun to hear the opinions of others as it gives us an opportunity to freshen up our own. If you enjoy and gain Insight from listening, Please Subscribe.

0:59 And share. If you have questions, please email them. And as always, nothing you hear here is a prescription or a prescription. It is a discussion of life and life's internal and external experiences. So, let's get to it. And welcome. Welcome back to a resonant Life podcast. I hope everything's been going well and that your life has been one. That's been becoming more and more happy day by day and that more and more. You're becoming a person that others miss a person that others want to be around a person that others can rely upon. So with that positive message today, we're going to take on a topic that I've been struggling with in terms of how to get my hands around talking about it and sort of exploring how to deal with it and address it, and make it into something that's positive.

2:07 Even though it's quite negative and this topic is toxicity. So where to start like everyone ever, I've had many experiences with toxicity, whether it's situations, people jobs, the list is endless and I think everybody's had these kinds of experience and so it mulling it over, I've really struggled to tease out a thread. That isn't simply strategy, there are plenty of books on how to deal with. Toxic people, how to deal with your toxic boss, how to deal with your toxic job. There are plenty, plenty of books that have strategy, I wanted to go beyond strategy because our our adventure here our adventure with the resonant life is to uncover our authentic cells and in the process of doing so becoming more altruistic.

3:01 Positive people who are able to help others despite whatever conditions we find ourselves in to be. Again, that person, that others rely upon regardless of the situations that we find ourselves in, because we're able to turn all of our situations into something positive. So, I've been searching for that thread. That is maybe a little more spiritual and that helps us to uncover our thumped excels even more. The most intense poison can if purified can become the elixir of healing to use a metaphor that's been used often throughout all cultures, and all times.

3:46 So how do we become move? How do we move toward becoming more altruistic and all thoughts and actions in a toxic situation? How do we use the toxicity to become better to become happier to become more authentic and to become more available to others? So as I said, like everyone everywhere, I've had my own toxic situations. In fact, I had one fairly recently and it's actually a little bit painful to discuss, but let me lay it out there and then we can sort of backtrack and talk about how in hindsight I guess we can look at what I did and what worked and what didn't work and maybe what I would have done if I'd been able to do something differently. So, as a Buddhist practitioner for a long time, now, I was engaged recently in some very intense training that was going to empower me and trained me to be able to give a very special to lead.

4:47 A very special kind of meditation. And one of the people who became my trainers, really kind of took it upon himself as his project to sort of take over my training. And I didn't see what was really going on in the background till quite late. But about halfway through it, I found myself feeling depressed and my confidence was gone. And I was actually afraid to come to the training because it was just it felt like imminent, failure. It felt like rejection.

5:27 And that's because the feedback I was getting from this trainer who actually was being very toxic. instead of Helping me find a direction forward. He was letting me struggle to find direction and then slapping me down, if he if I made what he thought was a mistake or had a wrong view or did something incorrectly. And so, I struggled a lot with this and I shared it with some friends and others who had been through the training before because I thought, is this, the way it is, is this what it's supposed to be? Like it's a sort of a beat down and reinvent and emerge, Like a Phoenix, kind of training on the answer was no.

6:13 So that's when I sort of realized that I was in a toxic situation, that's when it became clear to me and this is going to be one of the important points of how to deal with. Toxicity in our lives. And that is toxicity, breeds and lives in silence. And so by breaking that silence however, hesitantly and however, late by bringing others into the experience. I was having and being able to share it openly though hesitantly because I was worried. That it would sort of Ricochet back on me but I did it and that broke the silence.

6:57 So that is going to be one of the things that we're going to talk about a little bit later in terms of how to deal with toxic situations. so anyway, the training went on and I decided that no matter how unconfident I felt, I would keep going forward. That I wasn't going to let a person with their own agenda which had nothing to do with the training, or the benefit to the people of the meditation. That I wasn't going to let that hold me back. I had to keep going forward because this path. I was on, was going to be able to help me to be a better leader. Of meditation.

7:42 So going forward, it came towards the end to the point where I was going to go through an assessment that would basically allow me to start conducting this meditation, or at least the next step doing so without supervision and he pulled me aside. And he said, okay so Mike you're coming to the end and there's an assessment coming up, but to be honest with you, you're not going to pass and I'll I'm telling you that I'll be there to make sure that you don't pass this basically what he said. He said so you have an option, you can go through the assessment that's coming up and probably fail or you can continue to train with me over the next three to six months, maybe a year, and I'll work with you. And so, when the next assessment comes, I'll ensure that you pass.

8:41 And talking about it now that manipulation seems so obvious and just so heavy-handed. But in that moment, you know, I was kind of this unconfident week worried person Which for me, if anybody is anybody who knows? Me would say, is very ironic. But, anyway, I again, fell back on the, the small understanding I have. The time that toxicity breeds in silence and its power grows in silence. I said, you know what, that's a difficult decision for me to make right now.

9:22 And I think I need to discuss it with my mentor. Now, I'm not discussed any of this with my mentor. Previously only with friends a couple of friends, even not. It was a very limited small circle of people who helped to encourage me. The moment. I said, I needed to discuss that with my mentor. He said his response was oh no no no no, you don't need to do that, you probably shouldn't do that. And that's when the light bulb really went off in my head that this person was engaged in toxic manipulation trying to bring me down, trying to bring me under their control, I don't know.

10:02 Trying to make me some kind of strange disciple, whatever, but I wasn't going to have it and so I just basically said, you know what, okay, how long do I have to think about this? When do you need a decision for me? And he said, you know, as soon as possible within the next couple of weeks, I said, okay, thank you so much. Well, I didn't need the time to decide. I'd already decided I was going to go through the normal assessment and let happen, whatever was going to happen. And in fact, he had no influence control or input over that assessment whatsoever. He was using manipulation and fear to steer me in a certain direction where his control would continue. And so here's some of the things I learned besides the the one that we talked about already that toxicity breeds and lives in silence.

10:57 Is that you also have to recognize the toxic person and or the toxic situation. And that can be tricky and hard because generally we all engage in activities in relationships with sincerity and with an intention that we all want to be happy and we all want to get along and we all want to help each other out in general. So, and toxic people tend to be Master manipulators are presenting themselves as part of that sharing those goals. When in fact, they often don't So, recognizing the person and the situation, and that's tricky. And I'm not sure there's any particular way to do it other than If it walks like a duck talks, like a duck. Looks like a duck.

11:47 It's a duck. So if you have an inkling that something is off dig into that your intuition and your experience. If you dig into it quietly without any distraction, you'll be able to determine if you are in a toxic situation or with a toxic person. The other thing to do, I think in this I did this also is to acknowledge the power it had over me and acknowledging the effect this person and their training was having over me. Undermining my confidence, making me feel useless, making me feel incompetent Making me believe that I was never going to cross the finish line. Making me feel small and unimportant and not worth even the efforts that were being put into me. That's hard stuff.

12:51 And so I had to recognize and acknowledge that despite my self-image is being confident and competent and ready to take on anything that in this situation with this person. I wasn't feeling that way at all and that was a tough thing for me to acknowledge into Respond to. But once I did once I acknowledged that I was feeling that way and it was possible for somebody to get me to feel that way. Then I started to take control of my situation. This sort of leads to the next thing that I did is to step outside of the situation and to sit down. Basically and this one I think is useful also. In situations, where say, let's set aside my experience, my specific experience, let's look at another situation. Say there's a raging person in your life, often times. I think maybe teenagers are ragers. I know maybe I was a rager to when I was in adolescence. So, as a parent, if your teenager kind of goes off on you and attacks you or rages at you, or has a tantrum or whatever it is that teenagers, do when Are in oppositional mode wanting to be independent mode?

14:16 Wanting to be free of their parents mode is to in this is taking a step back and even sitting down break the physical tension. In that moment, break the physical tension break the situation, by doing something, unexpected and unintuitive. When somebody raises that us, our natural reaction is to push back. And some people is to cower away, depends on the person, depends on the person raging at you, but those normal reactions, those reactions sort of programmed into our DNA, the fight-or-flight. If we do something different, if we sit down Take a deep breath, keeping that person in our vision and focusing on trying to keep our heart open that breaks the situation. So with a teenager or somebody raging at you doing this kind of thing changes, the context it changes the system, it changes the milieu and has the potential to diffuse, the anger in the attack and in that moment that moment, that's where with a teenager in particular, you have an opportunity to have a calmer quieter conversation.

15:42 That isn't elevated, up to anger, and his hand, and frustration, in my situation, stepping outside of it and sitting down was saying, you know what, I need to talk to my mentor about this. That changed everything. So in whatever your situation of toxicity or toxic people is you sort of have to figure out what is the step outside of it and sit down opportunity. What is the situation? We're stepping outside sitting down will break the milieu. And finally again reiterating with the knowledge that toxicity breeds and lives in silence is sharing the experience with someone else. And it's even best to share it with somebody who has agency. Who is not a target of toxicity from the same person or in the same milieu or situation or job, And it's not the share it with somebody with agency, asking for help to change the situation. It's just talking about it, letting it out, sharing your experience, so that you're not alone, and in that process of dialogue, that helps you to better more objectively. See your situation.

17:02 So, here we are. We've talked about my situation and and what I learned from it. And some of the things I did and understood later that I how they work. Certainly. If I had a better sense of what to do, I could have handled the situation probably six months earlier, but I needed to go through my learning process. And so, this is another important aspect of dealing with toxicity in one's life, is learning from it. And in learning from it and how to deal with. It means you'll be able to recognize it because you're always going to have another toxic person. You're always going to have another toxic situation so by learning about it, and learning, how to deal with it with an open heart. Then you're going to be able in the next situation to do better and to recognize it faster and to break the system of it so that it doesn't have the control and influence over you. And it's in that moment, when you again, regain your agency, it's in that moment when you can start to turn towards being altruistic again.

18:16 Now, I'm not going to say that we need to be actively engaged in altruism towards a toxic person in our lives. If it's, especially if it's a boss, Or a family situation where change is unlikely to happen. We can't change people. We can only change ourselves. We've talked about this before. but with young people, especially teenagers. This is more situational toxicity. I think, and so those are ones if, especially our children or nephews nieces neighbor, kids, whatever it might be, we can Help them to overcome, whatever it is, that is causing them to Rage or be toxic.

19:11 So, that's an important thing to keep in mind is that to be altruistic or not with the toxic person has to do with who that person is in our lives. If it's, somebody who depends upon us or somebody who has less power than us like a child, then we have an obligation even to help them to help them find their way in a positive light. But a boss or a crazy uncle to use and stereotype those people. Mmm, there might not be benefit from actively engaging in altruistic actions towards them.

19:55 But, but we can have an open heart and using our experience with them and seeing their toxicity. Try to cultivate compassion for them. People become toxic for many, many different reasons. Some are psychological personality, disorders, some are just a life of hardness, a life of deprivation, a life, a sad life. Toxicity is about control. Basic Primal control control of others, control the situation that's sort of the, the crude version of it.

20:39 And it can become more and more sophisticated depending on the person. But it's about control and manipulation and trying to create a world that they understand and can manage. And because the person might not be ultimately feeling in control, the more out of control, they feel the harder they're going to try to control and the more toxic they become, this is an opportunity, seeing a person out of control, seeing them as somebody who doesn't have control or sincere happiness in their lives. This is an opportunity to feel compassion for them and in feeling compassion for them, we can that just will radiate out from us. If and when we have to deal with them, But if at all possible, we should try to be in a situation where we don't have to deal with them.

21:34 Because we can't change them and we're not going to be able to improve the situation most likely. So toxicity in dealing with it, from a Buddhist perspective, from an authentic self perspective, is a little counterintuitive. Because it's about stepping away stepping outside and saying, yeah, this is something, this is a person, I can't really help but it is somebody I can feel compassion for after I get outside of their influence. so, let's go back to our basic principles of dealing with toxicity. Toxicity breeds and lives in silence. Talk to somebody about your experience, talk openly and honestly with somebody you trust bring sunshine and light to the situation.

22:25 Recognizing the person or situation that you're in, is toxic and saying, oh, this is toxic that allows you to engage in all of the behaviors about how to extricate yourself, and how to handle it, until you're able to extricate yourself. Remember toxicity, sneaks up on us and often undermines our confidence and self-worth to a level that we don't notice, until it's too late. So work hard to to recognize the person and situation and acknowledge its power over, you acknowledge that, it makes you the situation of the person makes you feel less makes you feel unconfident.

23:05 Step outside and sit down if you're engaged in a moment of rage or toxicity. That you don't have any control over instead of reacting to it and pushing back at it, step outside of it, sit down take a breath. And let it diffuse. So with these principles, Hopefully, we're able to better. Handle the situations in our lives and the people in our lives. That really make life difficult. And in doing this, this is a powerful powerful antidote. That we're going to be able to use going forward in all of our dealings with all other people and going forward, we always want to be in a mindset of having an open heart of being available to help others of being the person who Smiles in the face of adversity, of being the person who extends a hand to others, when they need it, regardless of our own situations.

24:13 So, I'm sorry today went a little long. I hope that we've talked about this in a way that is useful and that will help you move forward. As always, if you have questions, please email them to me at Mike at resonant dot social. If you have suggestions, please email them to me at Mike at resonant, not social, please, share the podcast with others. If you think, they'll benefit, please subscribe to the podcast. Podcast, so that you'll never miss an episode. And I want to thank you for listening, and I look forward to talking to you again with our topic next week, all the best.