Feb. 2, 2023
Episode 11 - Antidote to Toxicity
Being in toxic situations -- be they professional and work, family or social - can have the effect of shrinking us, making us smaller. Like a cornered timid animal we often try to become invisible, unnoticed. A good day is one where we avoided any toxic encounters. This is no way to live in either our work or personal lives. We are meant -- it is our innate nature -- to flourish and extend ourselves to be of help and benefit to others.
--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/resonant-life/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/resonant-life/supportYour support, in all its forms, is greatly appreciated!
1
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,400
Welcome, you are listening to
the podcast, a resonant life
2
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:15,700
produced.
By the time is now Productions.
3
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:20,100
I am Mike Thompson, your host,
and reflector and chief.
4
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:26,100
In this podcast, we will discuss
experiences and insights, from
5
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,800
living a life devoted to
uncovering the authentic self.
6
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:34,600
And finding fulfilling purpose
from the past, the present and
7
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:38,100
the future.
This podcast is a product of my
8
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:41,300
life and experience and I'll
share my opinions.
9
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:46,000
Opinions between people are
various and we don't all need to
10
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,900
hold the same ones, but it is
fun to hear the opinions of
11
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,300
others as it gives us an
opportunity to freshen up our
12
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:56,800
own.
If you enjoy and gain Insight
13
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,100
from listening, Please
Subscribe.
14
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,800
And share.
If you have questions, please
15
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,200
email them.
And as always, nothing you hear
16
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,700
here is a prescription or a
prescription.
17
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,700
It is a discussion of life and
life's internal and external
18
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,900
experiences.
So, let's get to it.
19
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,400
And welcome.
Welcome back to a resonant Life
20
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,500
podcast.
I hope everything's been going
21
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,900
well and that your life has been
one.
22
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:38,600
That's been becoming more and
more happy day by day and that
23
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,000
more and more.
You're becoming a person that
24
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,500
others miss a person that others
want to be around a person that
25
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:51,400
others can rely upon.
So with that positive message
26
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,000
today, we're going to take on a
topic that I've been struggling
27
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,700
with in terms of how to get my
hands around talking about it
28
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:05,100
and sort of exploring how to
deal with it and address it, and
29
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,600
make it into something that's
positive.
30
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,300
Even though it's quite negative
and this topic is toxicity.
31
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:19,400
So where to start like everyone
ever, I've had many experiences
32
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,800
with toxicity, whether it's
situations, people jobs, the
33
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,800
list is endless and I think
everybody's had these kinds of
34
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:33,900
experience and so it mulling it
over, I've really struggled to
35
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:37,900
tease out a thread.
That isn't simply strategy,
36
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,600
there are plenty of books on how
to deal with.
37
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,800
Toxic people, how to deal with
your toxic boss, how to deal
38
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,900
with your toxic job.
There are plenty, plenty of
39
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:52,200
books that have strategy, I
wanted to go beyond strategy
40
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,900
because our our adventure here
our adventure with the resonant
41
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:59,700
life is to uncover our authentic
cells and in the process of
42
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,900
doing so becoming more
altruistic.
43
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:06,100
Positive people who are able to
help others despite whatever
44
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,900
conditions we find ourselves in
to be.
45
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:12,300
Again, that person, that others
rely upon regardless of the
46
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:16,000
situations that we find
ourselves in, because we're able
47
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,100
to turn all of our situations
into something positive.
48
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,600
So, I've been searching for that
thread.
49
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,200
That is maybe a little more
spiritual and that helps us to
50
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,300
uncover our thumped excels even
more.
51
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:38,200
The most intense poison can if
purified can become the elixir
52
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:42,300
of healing to use a metaphor
that's been used often
53
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,000
throughout all cultures, and all
times.
54
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,100
So how do we become move?
How do we move toward becoming
55
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:52,600
more altruistic and all thoughts
and actions in a toxic
56
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,400
situation?
How do we use the toxicity to
57
00:03:55,400 --> 00:04:01,100
become better to become happier
to become more authentic and to
58
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:06,900
become more available to others?
So as I said, like everyone
59
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,200
everywhere, I've had my own
toxic situations.
60
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,800
In fact, I had one fairly
recently and it's actually a
61
00:04:14,808 --> 00:04:18,800
little bit painful to discuss,
but let me lay it out there and
62
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:24,300
then we can sort of backtrack
and talk about how in hindsight
63
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:27,700
I guess we can look at what I
did and what worked and what
64
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:30,500
didn't work and maybe what I
would have done if I'd been able
65
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:35,200
to do something differently.
So, as a Buddhist practitioner
66
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,900
for a long time, now, I was
engaged recently in some very
67
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:45,300
intense training that was going
to empower me and trained me to
68
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,500
be able to give a very special
to lead.
69
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:49,400
A very special kind of
meditation.
70
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:57,600
And one of the people who became
my trainers, really kind of took
71
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,700
it upon himself as his project
to sort of take over my
72
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:06,400
training.
And I didn't see what was really
73
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,300
going on in the background till
quite late.
74
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:14,500
But about halfway through it, I
found myself feeling depressed
75
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:19,800
and my confidence was gone.
And I was actually afraid to
76
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:23,500
come to the training because it
was just it felt like imminent,
77
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,700
failure.
It felt like rejection.
78
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,800
And that's because the feedback
I was getting from this trainer
79
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:37,700
who actually was being very
toxic. instead of Helping me
80
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:42,100
find a direction forward.
He was letting me struggle to
81
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:47,000
find direction and then slapping
me down, if he if I made what he
82
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,400
thought was a mistake or had a
wrong view or did something
83
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:56,100
incorrectly.
And so, I struggled a lot with
84
00:05:56,100 --> 00:06:01,600
this and I shared it with some
friends and others who had been
85
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,100
through the training before
because I thought, is this, the
86
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,800
way it is, is this what it's
supposed to be?
87
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,800
Like it's a sort of a beat down
and reinvent and emerge, Like a
88
00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:12,600
Phoenix, kind of training on the
answer was no.
89
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,400
So that's when I sort of
realized that I was in a toxic
90
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,200
situation, that's when it became
clear to me and this is going to
91
00:06:21,207 --> 00:06:23,500
be one of the important points
of how to deal with.
92
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:31,300
Toxicity in our lives.
And that is toxicity, breeds and
93
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:37,600
lives in silence.
And so by breaking that silence
94
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:42,400
however, hesitantly and however,
late by bringing others into the
95
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,300
experience.
I was having and being able to
96
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:49,600
share it openly though
hesitantly because I was
97
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:54,000
worried.
That it would sort of Ricochet
98
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,000
back on me but I did it and that
broke the silence.
99
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,100
So that is going to be one of
the things that we're going to
100
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,700
talk about a little bit later in
terms of how to deal with toxic
101
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:09,800
situations. so anyway, the
training went on and I decided
102
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,200
that no matter how unconfident I
felt, I would keep going
103
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,800
forward.
That I wasn't going to let a
104
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,600
person with their own agenda
which had nothing to do with the
105
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,900
training, or the benefit to the
people of the meditation.
106
00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:28,200
That I wasn't going to let that
hold me back.
107
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:33,500
I had to keep going forward
because this path.
108
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:37,500
I was on, was going to be able
to help me to be a better
109
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,600
leader.
Of meditation.
110
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,200
So going forward, it came
towards the end to the point
111
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,800
where I was going to go through
an assessment that would
112
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:52,300
basically allow me to start
conducting this meditation, or
113
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:58,100
at least the next step doing so
without supervision and he
114
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:03,500
pulled me aside.
And he said, okay so Mike you're
115
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:07,000
coming to the end and there's an
assessment coming up, but to be
116
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:14,500
honest with you, you're not
going to pass and I'll I'm
117
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,800
telling you that I'll be there
to make sure that you don't pass
118
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,100
this basically what he said.
He said so you have an option,
119
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:25,400
you can go through the
assessment that's coming up and
120
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:31,100
probably fail or you can
continue to train with me over
121
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:35,100
the next three to six months,
maybe a year, and I'll work with
122
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,600
you.
And so, when the next assessment
123
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,799
comes, I'll ensure that you
pass.
124
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:47,600
And talking about it now that
manipulation seems so obvious
125
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,500
and just so heavy-handed.
But in that moment, you know, I
126
00:08:51,508 --> 00:08:58,700
was kind of this unconfident
week worried person Which for
127
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,300
me, if anybody is anybody who
knows?
128
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:07,900
Me would say, is very ironic.
But, anyway, I again, fell back
129
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:11,100
on the, the small understanding
I have.
130
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:14,700
The time that toxicity breeds in
silence and its power grows in
131
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:18,000
silence.
I said, you know what, that's a
132
00:09:18,008 --> 00:09:20,800
difficult decision for me to
make right now.
133
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,900
And I think I need to discuss it
with my mentor.
134
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,700
Now, I'm not discussed any of
this with my mentor.
135
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:32,600
Previously only with friends a
couple of friends, even not.
136
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,600
It was a very limited small
circle of people who helped to
137
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,500
encourage me.
The moment.
138
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,100
I said, I needed to discuss that
with my mentor.
139
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:45,800
He said his response was oh no
no no no, you don't need to do
140
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,900
that, you probably shouldn't do
that.
141
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:53,800
And that's when the light bulb
really went off in my head that
142
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,600
this person was engaged in toxic
manipulation trying to bring me
143
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,500
down, trying to bring me under
their control, I don't know.
144
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:07,800
Trying to make me some kind of
strange disciple, whatever, but
145
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,400
I wasn't going to have it and so
I just basically said, you know
146
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,000
what, okay, how long do I have
to think about this?
147
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,700
When do you need a decision for
me?
148
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,900
And he said, you know, as soon
as possible within the next
149
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,200
couple of weeks, I said, okay,
thank you so much.
150
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,800
Well, I didn't need the time to
decide.
151
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,100
I'd already decided I was going
to go through the normal
152
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,700
assessment and let happen,
whatever was going to happen.
153
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,800
And in fact, he had no influence
control or input over that
154
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:40,600
assessment whatsoever.
He was using manipulation and
155
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:45,200
fear to steer me in a certain
direction where his control
156
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:50,800
would continue.
And so here's some of the things
157
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,600
I learned besides the the one
that we talked about already
158
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,200
that toxicity breeds and lives
in silence.
159
00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:03,800
Is that you also have to
recognize the toxic person and
160
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:08,800
or the toxic situation.
And that can be tricky and hard
161
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:13,500
because generally we all engage
in activities in relationships
162
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,600
with sincerity and with an
intention that we all want to be
163
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,700
happy and we all want to get
along and we all want to help
164
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:24,700
each other out in general.
So, and toxic people tend to be
165
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,000
Master manipulators are
presenting themselves as part of
166
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:33,200
that sharing those goals.
When in fact, they often don't
167
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,100
So, recognizing the person and
the situation, and that's
168
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,900
tricky.
And I'm not sure there's any
169
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:44,900
particular way to do it other
than If it walks like a duck
170
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,500
talks, like a duck.
Looks like a duck.
171
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,700
It's a duck.
So if you have an inkling that
172
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:55,700
something is off dig into that
your intuition and your
173
00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:57,900
experience.
If you dig into it quietly
174
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:01,400
without any distraction, you'll
be able to determine if you are
175
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,700
in a toxic situation or with a
toxic person.
176
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,900
The other thing to do, I think
in this I did this also is to
177
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:16,600
acknowledge the power it had
over me and acknowledging the
178
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:20,500
effect this person and their
training was having over me.
179
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:26,300
Undermining my confidence,
making me feel useless, making
180
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:32,000
me feel incompetent Making me
believe that I was never going
181
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:37,300
to cross the finish line.
Making me feel small and
182
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:42,500
unimportant and not worth even
the efforts that were being put
183
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:50,600
into me.
That's hard stuff.
184
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:57,100
And so I had to recognize and
acknowledge that despite my
185
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:02,100
self-image is being confident
and competent and ready to take
186
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:07,900
on anything that in this
situation with this person.
187
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,800
I wasn't feeling that way at all
and that was a tough thing for
188
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,600
me to acknowledge into Respond
to.
189
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:23,200
But once I did once I
acknowledged that I was feeling
190
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,400
that way and it was possible for
somebody to get me to feel that
191
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,400
way.
Then I started to take control
192
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,200
of my situation.
This sort of leads to the next
193
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,100
thing that I did is to step
outside of the situation and to
194
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,900
sit down.
Basically and this one I think
195
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:46,000
is useful also.
In situations, where say, let's
196
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,900
set aside my experience, my
specific experience, let's look
197
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,000
at another situation.
Say there's a raging person in
198
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:57,000
your life, often times.
I think maybe teenagers are
199
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,900
ragers.
I know maybe I was a rager to
200
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,600
when I was in adolescence.
So, as a parent, if your
201
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,100
teenager kind of goes off on you
and attacks you or rages at you,
202
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,600
or has a tantrum or whatever it
is that teenagers, do when Are
203
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,300
in oppositional mode wanting to
be independent mode?
204
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:20,700
Wanting to be free of their
parents mode is to in this is
205
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:26,300
taking a step back and even
sitting down break the physical
206
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:31,700
tension.
In that moment, break the
207
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:36,000
physical tension break the
situation, by doing something,
208
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:42,300
unexpected and unintuitive.
When somebody raises that us,
209
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:46,100
our natural reaction is to push
back.
210
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,300
And some people is to cower
away, depends on the person,
211
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:56,200
depends on the person raging at
you, but those normal reactions,
212
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,800
those reactions sort of
programmed into our DNA, the
213
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,600
fight-or-flight.
If we do something different, if
214
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:06,800
we sit down Take a deep breath,
keeping that person in our
215
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:12,600
vision and focusing on trying to
keep our heart open that breaks
216
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:17,900
the situation.
So with a teenager or somebody
217
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:23,400
raging at you doing this kind of
thing changes, the context it
218
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:29,400
changes the system, it changes
the milieu and has the potential
219
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,000
to diffuse, the anger in the
attack and in that moment that
220
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,400
moment, that's where with a
teenager in particular, you have
221
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,000
an opportunity to have a calmer
quieter conversation.
222
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,500
That isn't elevated, up to
anger, and his hand, and
223
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,800
frustration, in my situation,
stepping outside of it and
224
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,700
sitting down was saying, you
know what, I need to talk to my
225
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,900
mentor about this.
That changed everything.
226
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,200
So in whatever your situation of
toxicity or toxic people is you
227
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,000
sort of have to figure out what
is the step outside of it and
228
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,200
sit down opportunity.
What is the situation?
229
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,200
We're stepping outside sitting
down will break the milieu.
230
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:22,400
And finally again reiterating
with the knowledge that toxicity
231
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:26,400
breeds and lives in silence is
sharing the experience with
232
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,800
someone else.
And it's even best to share it
233
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,300
with somebody who has agency.
Who is not a target of toxicity
234
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:38,700
from the same person or in the
same milieu or situation or job,
235
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,000
And it's not the share it with
somebody with agency, asking for
236
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,800
help to change the situation.
It's just talking about it,
237
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,600
letting it out, sharing your
experience, so that you're not
238
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,900
alone, and in that process of
dialogue, that helps you to
239
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:59,100
better more objectively.
See your situation.
240
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:08,200
So, here we are.
We've talked about my situation
241
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:13,900
and and what I learned from it.
And some of the things I did and
242
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,800
understood later that I how they
work.
243
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:20,700
Certainly.
If I had a better sense of what
244
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,800
to do, I could have handled the
situation probably six months
245
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,800
earlier, but I needed to go
through my learning process.
246
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,600
And so, this is another
important aspect of dealing with
247
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,100
toxicity in one's life, is
learning from it.
248
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,800
And in learning from it and how
to deal with.
249
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,400
It means you'll be able to
recognize it because you're
250
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,800
always going to have another
toxic person.
251
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,500
You're always going to have
another toxic situation so by
252
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,600
learning about it, and learning,
how to deal with it with an open
253
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,100
heart.
Then you're going to be able in
254
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:55,900
the next situation to do better
and to recognize it faster and
255
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,500
to break the system of it so
that it doesn't have the control
256
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:04,200
and influence over you.
And it's in that moment, when
257
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:10,600
you again, regain your agency,
it's in that moment when you can
258
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,000
start to turn towards being
altruistic again.
259
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Now, I'm not going to say that
we need to be actively engaged
260
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,700
in altruism towards a toxic
person in our lives.
261
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,300
If it's, especially if it's a
boss, Or a family situation
262
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,900
where change is unlikely to
happen.
263
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,400
We can't change people.
We can only change ourselves.
264
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:47,200
We've talked about this before.
but with young people,
265
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:52,400
especially teenagers.
This is more situational
266
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,500
toxicity.
I think, and so those are ones
267
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:59,400
if, especially our children or
nephews nieces neighbor, kids,
268
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:06,800
whatever it might be, we can
Help them to overcome, whatever
269
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,600
it is, that is causing them to
Rage or be toxic.
270
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:15,800
So, that's an important thing to
keep in mind is that to be
271
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:22,900
altruistic or not with the toxic
person has to do with who that
272
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:26,100
person is in our lives.
If it's, somebody who depends
273
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:30,600
upon us or somebody who has less
power than us like a child, then
274
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:35,800
we have an obligation even to
help them to help them find
275
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:43,300
their way in a positive light.
But a boss or a crazy uncle to
276
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:50,200
use and stereotype those people.
Mmm, there might not be benefit
277
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:54,500
from actively engaging in
altruistic actions towards them.
278
00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:03,300
But, but we can have an open
heart and using our experience
279
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,800
with them and seeing their
toxicity.
280
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,700
Try to cultivate compassion for
them.
281
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,700
People become toxic for many,
many different reasons.
282
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:20,000
Some are psychological
personality, disorders, some are
283
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:24,800
just a life of hardness, a life
of deprivation, a life, a sad
284
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:29,600
life.
Toxicity is about control.
285
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,400
Basic Primal control control of
others, control the situation
286
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,600
that's sort of the, the crude
version of it.
287
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,200
And it can become more and more
sophisticated depending on the
288
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,900
person.
But it's about control and
289
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,800
manipulation and trying to
create a world that they
290
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:51,800
understand and can manage.
And because the person might not
291
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:57,400
be ultimately feeling in
control, the more out of
292
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,900
control, they feel the harder
they're going to try to control
293
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:05,000
and the more toxic they become,
this is an opportunity, seeing a
294
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,500
person out of control, seeing
them as somebody who doesn't
295
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:12,700
have control or sincere
happiness in their lives.
296
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,100
This is an opportunity to feel
compassion for them and in
297
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:20,200
feeling compassion for them, we
can that just will radiate out
298
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,800
from us.
If and when we have to deal with
299
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:30,800
them, But if at all possible, we
should try to be in a situation
300
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,500
where we don't have to deal with
them.
301
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:36,200
Because we can't change them and
we're not going to be able to
302
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,100
improve the situation most
likely.
303
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,700
So toxicity in dealing with it,
from a Buddhist perspective,
304
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:45,100
from an authentic self
perspective, is a little
305
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:49,400
counterintuitive.
Because it's about stepping away
306
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,400
stepping outside and saying,
yeah, this is something, this is
307
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,800
a person, I can't really help
but it is somebody I can feel
308
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:04,700
compassion for after I get
outside of their influence. so,
309
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,100
let's go back to our basic
principles of dealing with
310
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:12,600
toxicity.
Toxicity breeds and lives in
311
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,100
silence.
Talk to somebody about your
312
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:20,200
experience, talk openly and
honestly with somebody you trust
313
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,100
bring sunshine and light to the
situation.
314
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,300
Recognizing the person or
situation that you're in, is
315
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:32,900
toxic and saying, oh, this is
toxic that allows you to engage
316
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,900
in all of the behaviors about
how to extricate yourself, and
317
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:39,700
how to handle it, until you're
able to extricate yourself.
318
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:45,900
Remember toxicity, sneaks up on
us and often undermines our
319
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:49,400
confidence and self-worth to a
level that we don't notice,
320
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,700
until it's too late.
So work hard to to recognize the
321
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:58,300
person and situation and
acknowledge its power over, you
322
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:01,100
acknowledge that, it makes you
the situation of the person
323
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:03,700
makes you feel less makes you
feel unconfident.
324
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:10,100
Step outside and sit down if
you're engaged in a moment of
325
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:16,900
rage or toxicity.
That you don't have any control
326
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,400
over instead of reacting to it
and pushing back at it, step
327
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,500
outside of it, sit down take a
breath.
328
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:30,900
And let it diffuse.
So with these principles,
329
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:38,700
Hopefully, we're able to better.
Handle the situations in our
330
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,500
lives and the people in our
lives.
331
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,700
That really make life difficult.
And in doing this, this is a
332
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,200
powerful powerful antidote.
That we're going to be able to
333
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,900
use going forward in all of our
dealings with all other people
334
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:57,800
and going forward, we always
want to be in a mindset of
335
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,800
having an open heart of being
available to help others of
336
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,400
being the person who Smiles in
the face of adversity, of being
337
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,700
the person who extends a hand to
others, when they need it,
338
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,800
regardless of our own
situations.
339
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,400
So, I'm sorry today went a
little long.
340
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:19,600
I hope that we've talked about
this in a way that is useful and
341
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,700
that will help you move forward.
As always, if you have
342
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:28,600
questions, please email them to
me at Mike at resonant dot
343
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,900
social.
If you have suggestions, please
344
00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:36,900
email them to me at Mike at
resonant, not social, please,
345
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:39,800
share the podcast with others.
If you think, they'll benefit,
346
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,000
please subscribe to the podcast.
Podcast, so that you'll never
347
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,100
miss an episode.
And I want to thank you for
348
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:50,700
listening, and I look forward to
talking to you again with our
349
00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:53,900
topic next week, all the best.
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,400
Welcome, you are listening to
the podcast, a resonant life
2
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:15,700
produced.
By the time is now Productions.
3
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:20,100
I am Mike Thompson, your host,
and reflector and chief.
4
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:26,100
In this podcast, we will discuss
experiences and insights, from
5
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,800
living a life devoted to
uncovering the authentic self.
6
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:34,600
And finding fulfilling purpose
from the past, the present and
7
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:38,100
the future.
This podcast is a product of my
8
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:41,300
life and experience and I'll
share my opinions.
9
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:46,000
Opinions between people are
various and we don't all need to
10
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,900
hold the same ones, but it is
fun to hear the opinions of
11
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:53,300
others as it gives us an
opportunity to freshen up our
12
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:56,800
own.
If you enjoy and gain Insight
13
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,100
from listening, Please
Subscribe.
14
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,800
And share.
If you have questions, please
15
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,200
email them.
And as always, nothing you hear
16
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,700
here is a prescription or a
prescription.
17
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,700
It is a discussion of life and
life's internal and external
18
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,900
experiences.
So, let's get to it.
19
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,400
And welcome.
Welcome back to a resonant Life
20
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,500
podcast.
I hope everything's been going
21
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,900
well and that your life has been
one.
22
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:38,600
That's been becoming more and
more happy day by day and that
23
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,000
more and more.
You're becoming a person that
24
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,500
others miss a person that others
want to be around a person that
25
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:51,400
others can rely upon.
So with that positive message
26
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,000
today, we're going to take on a
topic that I've been struggling
27
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,700
with in terms of how to get my
hands around talking about it
28
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:05,100
and sort of exploring how to
deal with it and address it, and
29
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,600
make it into something that's
positive.
30
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,300
Even though it's quite negative
and this topic is toxicity.
31
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:19,400
So where to start like everyone
ever, I've had many experiences
32
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,800
with toxicity, whether it's
situations, people jobs, the
33
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,800
list is endless and I think
everybody's had these kinds of
34
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:33,900
experience and so it mulling it
over, I've really struggled to
35
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:37,900
tease out a thread.
That isn't simply strategy,
36
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,600
there are plenty of books on how
to deal with.
37
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,800
Toxic people, how to deal with
your toxic boss, how to deal
38
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,900
with your toxic job.
There are plenty, plenty of
39
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:52,200
books that have strategy, I
wanted to go beyond strategy
40
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,900
because our our adventure here
our adventure with the resonant
41
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:59,700
life is to uncover our authentic
cells and in the process of
42
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,900
doing so becoming more
altruistic.
43
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:06,100
Positive people who are able to
help others despite whatever
44
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,900
conditions we find ourselves in
to be.
45
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:12,300
Again, that person, that others
rely upon regardless of the
46
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:16,000
situations that we find
ourselves in, because we're able
47
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,100
to turn all of our situations
into something positive.
48
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,600
So, I've been searching for that
thread.
49
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,200
That is maybe a little more
spiritual and that helps us to
50
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,300
uncover our thumped excels even
more.
51
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:38,200
The most intense poison can if
purified can become the elixir
52
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:42,300
of healing to use a metaphor
that's been used often
53
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,000
throughout all cultures, and all
times.
54
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,100
So how do we become move?
How do we move toward becoming
55
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:52,600
more altruistic and all thoughts
and actions in a toxic
56
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,400
situation?
How do we use the toxicity to
57
00:03:55,400 --> 00:04:01,100
become better to become happier
to become more authentic and to
58
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:06,900
become more available to others?
So as I said, like everyone
59
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,200
everywhere, I've had my own
toxic situations.
60
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:14,800
In fact, I had one fairly
recently and it's actually a
61
00:04:14,808 --> 00:04:18,800
little bit painful to discuss,
but let me lay it out there and
62
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:24,300
then we can sort of backtrack
and talk about how in hindsight
63
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:27,700
I guess we can look at what I
did and what worked and what
64
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:30,500
didn't work and maybe what I
would have done if I'd been able
65
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:35,200
to do something differently.
So, as a Buddhist practitioner
66
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,900
for a long time, now, I was
engaged recently in some very
67
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:45,300
intense training that was going
to empower me and trained me to
68
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,500
be able to give a very special
to lead.
69
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:49,400
A very special kind of
meditation.
70
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:57,600
And one of the people who became
my trainers, really kind of took
71
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,700
it upon himself as his project
to sort of take over my
72
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:06,400
training.
And I didn't see what was really
73
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,300
going on in the background till
quite late.
74
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:14,500
But about halfway through it, I
found myself feeling depressed
75
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:19,800
and my confidence was gone.
And I was actually afraid to
76
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:23,500
come to the training because it
was just it felt like imminent,
77
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,700
failure.
It felt like rejection.
78
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,800
And that's because the feedback
I was getting from this trainer
79
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:37,700
who actually was being very
toxic. instead of Helping me
80
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:42,100
find a direction forward.
He was letting me struggle to
81
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:47,000
find direction and then slapping
me down, if he if I made what he
82
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,400
thought was a mistake or had a
wrong view or did something
83
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:56,100
incorrectly.
And so, I struggled a lot with
84
00:05:56,100 --> 00:06:01,600
this and I shared it with some
friends and others who had been
85
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,100
through the training before
because I thought, is this, the
86
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,800
way it is, is this what it's
supposed to be?
87
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,800
Like it's a sort of a beat down
and reinvent and emerge, Like a
88
00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:12,600
Phoenix, kind of training on the
answer was no.
89
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,400
So that's when I sort of
realized that I was in a toxic
90
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,200
situation, that's when it became
clear to me and this is going to
91
00:06:21,207 --> 00:06:23,500
be one of the important points
of how to deal with.
92
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:31,300
Toxicity in our lives.
And that is toxicity, breeds and
93
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:37,600
lives in silence.
And so by breaking that silence
94
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:42,400
however, hesitantly and however,
late by bringing others into the
95
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,300
experience.
I was having and being able to
96
00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:49,600
share it openly though
hesitantly because I was
97
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:54,000
worried.
That it would sort of Ricochet
98
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,000
back on me but I did it and that
broke the silence.
99
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,100
So that is going to be one of
the things that we're going to
100
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,700
talk about a little bit later in
terms of how to deal with toxic
101
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:09,800
situations. so anyway, the
training went on and I decided
102
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,200
that no matter how unconfident I
felt, I would keep going
103
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,800
forward.
That I wasn't going to let a
104
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,600
person with their own agenda
which had nothing to do with the
105
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,900
training, or the benefit to the
people of the meditation.
106
00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:28,200
That I wasn't going to let that
hold me back.
107
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:33,500
I had to keep going forward
because this path.
108
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:37,500
I was on, was going to be able
to help me to be a better
109
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,600
leader.
Of meditation.
110
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,200
So going forward, it came
towards the end to the point
111
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,800
where I was going to go through
an assessment that would
112
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:52,300
basically allow me to start
conducting this meditation, or
113
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:58,100
at least the next step doing so
without supervision and he
114
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:03,500
pulled me aside.
And he said, okay so Mike you're
115
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:07,000
coming to the end and there's an
assessment coming up, but to be
116
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:14,500
honest with you, you're not
going to pass and I'll I'm
117
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,800
telling you that I'll be there
to make sure that you don't pass
118
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,100
this basically what he said.
He said so you have an option,
119
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:25,400
you can go through the
assessment that's coming up and
120
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:31,100
probably fail or you can
continue to train with me over
121
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:35,100
the next three to six months,
maybe a year, and I'll work with
122
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,600
you.
And so, when the next assessment
123
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,799
comes, I'll ensure that you
pass.
124
00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:47,600
And talking about it now that
manipulation seems so obvious
125
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,500
and just so heavy-handed.
But in that moment, you know, I
126
00:08:51,508 --> 00:08:58,700
was kind of this unconfident
week worried person Which for
127
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,300
me, if anybody is anybody who
knows?
128
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:07,900
Me would say, is very ironic.
But, anyway, I again, fell back
129
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:11,100
on the, the small understanding
I have.
130
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:14,700
The time that toxicity breeds in
silence and its power grows in
131
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:18,000
silence.
I said, you know what, that's a
132
00:09:18,008 --> 00:09:20,800
difficult decision for me to
make right now.
133
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,900
And I think I need to discuss it
with my mentor.
134
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,700
Now, I'm not discussed any of
this with my mentor.
135
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:32,600
Previously only with friends a
couple of friends, even not.
136
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,600
It was a very limited small
circle of people who helped to
137
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,500
encourage me.
The moment.
138
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,100
I said, I needed to discuss that
with my mentor.
139
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:45,800
He said his response was oh no
no no no, you don't need to do
140
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,900
that, you probably shouldn't do
that.
141
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:53,800
And that's when the light bulb
really went off in my head that
142
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,600
this person was engaged in toxic
manipulation trying to bring me
143
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,500
down, trying to bring me under
their control, I don't know.
144
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:07,800
Trying to make me some kind of
strange disciple, whatever, but
145
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,400
I wasn't going to have it and so
I just basically said, you know
146
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,000
what, okay, how long do I have
to think about this?
147
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,700
When do you need a decision for
me?
148
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,900
And he said, you know, as soon
as possible within the next
149
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,200
couple of weeks, I said, okay,
thank you so much.
150
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,800
Well, I didn't need the time to
decide.
151
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,100
I'd already decided I was going
to go through the normal
152
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,700
assessment and let happen,
whatever was going to happen.
153
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,800
And in fact, he had no influence
control or input over that
154
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:40,600
assessment whatsoever.
He was using manipulation and
155
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:45,200
fear to steer me in a certain
direction where his control
156
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:50,800
would continue.
And so here's some of the things
157
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,600
I learned besides the the one
that we talked about already
158
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,200
that toxicity breeds and lives
in silence.
159
00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:03,800
Is that you also have to
recognize the toxic person and
160
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:08,800
or the toxic situation.
And that can be tricky and hard
161
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:13,500
because generally we all engage
in activities in relationships
162
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,600
with sincerity and with an
intention that we all want to be
163
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,700
happy and we all want to get
along and we all want to help
164
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:24,700
each other out in general.
So, and toxic people tend to be
165
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,000
Master manipulators are
presenting themselves as part of
166
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:33,200
that sharing those goals.
When in fact, they often don't
167
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,100
So, recognizing the person and
the situation, and that's
168
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,900
tricky.
And I'm not sure there's any
169
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:44,900
particular way to do it other
than If it walks like a duck
170
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,500
talks, like a duck.
Looks like a duck.
171
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,700
It's a duck.
So if you have an inkling that
172
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:55,700
something is off dig into that
your intuition and your
173
00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:57,900
experience.
If you dig into it quietly
174
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:01,400
without any distraction, you'll
be able to determine if you are
175
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,700
in a toxic situation or with a
toxic person.
176
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,900
The other thing to do, I think
in this I did this also is to
177
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:16,600
acknowledge the power it had
over me and acknowledging the
178
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:20,500
effect this person and their
training was having over me.
179
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:26,300
Undermining my confidence,
making me feel useless, making
180
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:32,000
me feel incompetent Making me
believe that I was never going
181
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:37,300
to cross the finish line.
Making me feel small and
182
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:42,500
unimportant and not worth even
the efforts that were being put
183
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:50,600
into me.
That's hard stuff.
184
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:57,100
And so I had to recognize and
acknowledge that despite my
185
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:02,100
self-image is being confident
and competent and ready to take
186
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:07,900
on anything that in this
situation with this person.
187
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,800
I wasn't feeling that way at all
and that was a tough thing for
188
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,600
me to acknowledge into Respond
to.
189
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:23,200
But once I did once I
acknowledged that I was feeling
190
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,400
that way and it was possible for
somebody to get me to feel that
191
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,400
way.
Then I started to take control
192
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,200
of my situation.
This sort of leads to the next
193
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,100
thing that I did is to step
outside of the situation and to
194
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,900
sit down.
Basically and this one I think
195
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:46,000
is useful also.
In situations, where say, let's
196
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,900
set aside my experience, my
specific experience, let's look
197
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,000
at another situation.
Say there's a raging person in
198
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:57,000
your life, often times.
I think maybe teenagers are
199
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,900
ragers.
I know maybe I was a rager to
200
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,600
when I was in adolescence.
So, as a parent, if your
201
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,100
teenager kind of goes off on you
and attacks you or rages at you,
202
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,600
or has a tantrum or whatever it
is that teenagers, do when Are
203
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,300
in oppositional mode wanting to
be independent mode?
204
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:20,700
Wanting to be free of their
parents mode is to in this is
205
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:26,300
taking a step back and even
sitting down break the physical
206
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:31,700
tension.
In that moment, break the
207
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:36,000
physical tension break the
situation, by doing something,
208
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:42,300
unexpected and unintuitive.
When somebody raises that us,
209
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:46,100
our natural reaction is to push
back.
210
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,300
And some people is to cower
away, depends on the person,
211
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:56,200
depends on the person raging at
you, but those normal reactions,
212
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,800
those reactions sort of
programmed into our DNA, the
213
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,600
fight-or-flight.
If we do something different, if
214
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:06,800
we sit down Take a deep breath,
keeping that person in our
215
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:12,600
vision and focusing on trying to
keep our heart open that breaks
216
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:17,900
the situation.
So with a teenager or somebody
217
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:23,400
raging at you doing this kind of
thing changes, the context it
218
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:29,400
changes the system, it changes
the milieu and has the potential
219
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,000
to diffuse, the anger in the
attack and in that moment that
220
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,400
moment, that's where with a
teenager in particular, you have
221
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,000
an opportunity to have a calmer
quieter conversation.
222
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,500
That isn't elevated, up to
anger, and his hand, and
223
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,800
frustration, in my situation,
stepping outside of it and
224
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,700
sitting down was saying, you
know what, I need to talk to my
225
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,900
mentor about this.
That changed everything.
226
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,200
So in whatever your situation of
toxicity or toxic people is you
227
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,000
sort of have to figure out what
is the step outside of it and
228
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,200
sit down opportunity.
What is the situation?
229
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,200
We're stepping outside sitting
down will break the milieu.
230
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:22,400
And finally again reiterating
with the knowledge that toxicity
231
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:26,400
breeds and lives in silence is
sharing the experience with
232
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,800
someone else.
And it's even best to share it
233
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,300
with somebody who has agency.
Who is not a target of toxicity
234
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:38,700
from the same person or in the
same milieu or situation or job,
235
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,000
And it's not the share it with
somebody with agency, asking for
236
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,800
help to change the situation.
It's just talking about it,
237
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,600
letting it out, sharing your
experience, so that you're not
238
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,900
alone, and in that process of
dialogue, that helps you to
239
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:59,100
better more objectively.
See your situation.
240
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:08,200
So, here we are.
We've talked about my situation
241
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:13,900
and and what I learned from it.
And some of the things I did and
242
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,800
understood later that I how they
work.
243
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:20,700
Certainly.
If I had a better sense of what
244
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,800
to do, I could have handled the
situation probably six months
245
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,800
earlier, but I needed to go
through my learning process.
246
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,600
And so, this is another
important aspect of dealing with
247
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,100
toxicity in one's life, is
learning from it.
248
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,800
And in learning from it and how
to deal with.
249
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,400
It means you'll be able to
recognize it because you're
250
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,800
always going to have another
toxic person.
251
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,500
You're always going to have
another toxic situation so by
252
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,600
learning about it, and learning,
how to deal with it with an open
253
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,100
heart.
Then you're going to be able in
254
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:55,900
the next situation to do better
and to recognize it faster and
255
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,500
to break the system of it so
that it doesn't have the control
256
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:04,200
and influence over you.
And it's in that moment, when
257
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:10,600
you again, regain your agency,
it's in that moment when you can
258
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,000
start to turn towards being
altruistic again.
259
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Now, I'm not going to say that
we need to be actively engaged
260
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,700
in altruism towards a toxic
person in our lives.
261
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,300
If it's, especially if it's a
boss, Or a family situation
262
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,900
where change is unlikely to
happen.
263
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,400
We can't change people.
We can only change ourselves.
264
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:47,200
We've talked about this before.
but with young people,
265
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:52,400
especially teenagers.
This is more situational
266
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,500
toxicity.
I think, and so those are ones
267
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:59,400
if, especially our children or
nephews nieces neighbor, kids,
268
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:06,800
whatever it might be, we can
Help them to overcome, whatever
269
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,600
it is, that is causing them to
Rage or be toxic.
270
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:15,800
So, that's an important thing to
keep in mind is that to be
271
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:22,900
altruistic or not with the toxic
person has to do with who that
272
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:26,100
person is in our lives.
If it's, somebody who depends
273
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:30,600
upon us or somebody who has less
power than us like a child, then
274
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:35,800
we have an obligation even to
help them to help them find
275
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:43,300
their way in a positive light.
But a boss or a crazy uncle to
276
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:50,200
use and stereotype those people.
Mmm, there might not be benefit
277
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:54,500
from actively engaging in
altruistic actions towards them.
278
00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:03,300
But, but we can have an open
heart and using our experience
279
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,800
with them and seeing their
toxicity.
280
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,700
Try to cultivate compassion for
them.
281
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,700
People become toxic for many,
many different reasons.
282
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:20,000
Some are psychological
personality, disorders, some are
283
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:24,800
just a life of hardness, a life
of deprivation, a life, a sad
284
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:29,600
life.
Toxicity is about control.
285
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,400
Basic Primal control control of
others, control the situation
286
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,600
that's sort of the, the crude
version of it.
287
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,200
And it can become more and more
sophisticated depending on the
288
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,900
person.
But it's about control and
289
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,800
manipulation and trying to
create a world that they
290
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:51,800
understand and can manage.
And because the person might not
291
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:57,400
be ultimately feeling in
control, the more out of
292
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,900
control, they feel the harder
they're going to try to control
293
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:05,000
and the more toxic they become,
this is an opportunity, seeing a
294
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,500
person out of control, seeing
them as somebody who doesn't
295
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:12,700
have control or sincere
happiness in their lives.
296
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,100
This is an opportunity to feel
compassion for them and in
297
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:20,200
feeling compassion for them, we
can that just will radiate out
298
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,800
from us.
If and when we have to deal with
299
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:30,800
them, But if at all possible, we
should try to be in a situation
300
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,500
where we don't have to deal with
them.
301
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:36,200
Because we can't change them and
we're not going to be able to
302
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,100
improve the situation most
likely.
303
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,700
So toxicity in dealing with it,
from a Buddhist perspective,
304
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:45,100
from an authentic self
perspective, is a little
305
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:49,400
counterintuitive.
Because it's about stepping away
306
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,400
stepping outside and saying,
yeah, this is something, this is
307
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,800
a person, I can't really help
but it is somebody I can feel
308
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:04,700
compassion for after I get
outside of their influence. so,
309
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,100
let's go back to our basic
principles of dealing with
310
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:12,600
toxicity.
Toxicity breeds and lives in
311
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,100
silence.
Talk to somebody about your
312
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:20,200
experience, talk openly and
honestly with somebody you trust
313
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,100
bring sunshine and light to the
situation.
314
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,300
Recognizing the person or
situation that you're in, is
315
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:32,900
toxic and saying, oh, this is
toxic that allows you to engage
316
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,900
in all of the behaviors about
how to extricate yourself, and
317
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:39,700
how to handle it, until you're
able to extricate yourself.
318
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:45,900
Remember toxicity, sneaks up on
us and often undermines our
319
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:49,400
confidence and self-worth to a
level that we don't notice,
320
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,700
until it's too late.
So work hard to to recognize the
321
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:58,300
person and situation and
acknowledge its power over, you
322
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:01,100
acknowledge that, it makes you
the situation of the person
323
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:03,700
makes you feel less makes you
feel unconfident.
324
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:10,100
Step outside and sit down if
you're engaged in a moment of
325
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:16,900
rage or toxicity.
That you don't have any control
326
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,400
over instead of reacting to it
and pushing back at it, step
327
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,500
outside of it, sit down take a
breath.
328
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:30,900
And let it diffuse.
So with these principles,
329
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:38,700
Hopefully, we're able to better.
Handle the situations in our
330
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,500
lives and the people in our
lives.
331
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,700
That really make life difficult.
And in doing this, this is a
332
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,200
powerful powerful antidote.
That we're going to be able to
333
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,900
use going forward in all of our
dealings with all other people
334
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:57,800
and going forward, we always
want to be in a mindset of
335
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,800
having an open heart of being
available to help others of
336
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,400
being the person who Smiles in
the face of adversity, of being
337
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,700
the person who extends a hand to
others, when they need it,
338
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,800
regardless of our own
situations.
339
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,400
So, I'm sorry today went a
little long.
340
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:19,600
I hope that we've talked about
this in a way that is useful and
341
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,700
that will help you move forward.
As always, if you have
342
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:28,600
questions, please email them to
me at Mike at resonant dot
343
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,900
social.
If you have suggestions, please
344
00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:36,900
email them to me at Mike at
resonant, not social, please,
345
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:39,800
share the podcast with others.
If you think, they'll benefit,
346
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,000
please subscribe to the podcast.
Podcast, so that you'll never
347
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,100
miss an episode.
And I want to thank you for
348
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:50,700
listening, and I look forward to
talking to you again with our
349
00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:53,900
topic next week, all the best.
